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frAn*

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always something... [Apr. 8th, 2013|01:45 am]
frAn*
It's been a minute since I've updated! Working all the time, this move, finding time to be with my girl... I'm seeking balance in my life, and each day I'm a little closer. I need to keep up on this journal, too many things going on in my head, I can't keep track. So, what's been happening? First, finally all moved in. I'm not fully organized yet, it's a work in progress. It's hard because it seems like I'm rarely here and I don't have anyone to help... It's all coming together though. Me and Kevin are getting along well, at first i think he was upset about me moving so close, but he's came around. Finally he sees this is a good thing. Especially now, cause his mom is having some health problems so it's important that I'm here and able to have Colleen more often. So that's good, whenever he and I are on the same page it's always better. Personal life? Well that's always interesting, if you want to call chaos interesting. Once again, I attempted to move on while still harboring feelings for someone else, and it backfired. But it happened so soon that i didn't hurt anyone. I was dating Mark for maybe a week or two before I realized I couldn't start something new with all my past still very much in my present. So that was short lived. I was truthful and he understood. I don't want to hurt anyone, it seems that's all I ever do. I just want to live peacefully, with no drama. I'm feeling old, and I really feel like it's time to settle, for good. I think, and hope this is it this time. Okkaaayyy then... I think I've rambled on enough now. Everyone take care!


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Giving up. [Feb. 14th, 2013|05:52 pm]
frAn*
On myself, on everything. Nothing matters anymore. Seems no matter what I do, I somehow fuck things up so I'm done trying. I sit here, alone, again like I have day after day, and I'm going crazy in my own mind. I've been good, I haven't been doing anything, going anywhere, or seeing anyone. But I can only do this for so long. I am starving for some interaction, just someone to talk to. I have a good job, a car, a place (sorta) of my own, and yet this is not enough. I have so much going on yet no one cares, or wants to know me. Everyone has moved on, no one wants me. I'm not doing this tonight. I'm not going to sit here another night, all by myself, stuck in my mind. Thinking, trying to figure everything out, no. I can't. I'm drinking this beer, then I'm going up to the bar, and who knows, maybe I will find a friend. In any case, I'm depressed, and sad, and I have NO ONE.


Your words were beautiful, but only hurt to read. I feel the same way, but can't stomach the idea of someone else having you, even if it is only your body and not your heart. And your wrong, it's not life that is fleeting, its love (that is fleeting). I dont know if I even know the meaning anymore.


I'm off. Tonight I refuse to sit here and be lonely. Goodnight, goodbye.
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fake [Jan. 21st, 2013|08:56 pm]
frAn*
That's what I am. I literally started, then deleted everything I typed a few times now. I don't even have the nerve, the balls, to type how I feel or what I'm thinking. What am I now? Who am I now? Where to go from here? Float around living in my mind, hollow.
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Giving up, giving in, forgetting.... [Jan. 6th, 2013|10:14 am]
frAn*
Chillin' with Colleen. She woke me up and was HUNGRY this morning! Last night Steph came over, I was pretty buzzed by the time she got here. We talked for quite some time and I managed to get her to run up to the store for more smokes. I'm not sure when she left, or if I started to pass out or what. All I know is I woke up at 3am, colleen was sleeping with me with no pull up on, and the tip of my tongue is severely burnt. Everything else seems to be in order around here so guess all is well. I guess my mom is supposed to be back in town today or flying in tonight I forgot which. I give her a week or so before she is back here, yay. This is has been a pretty emotional weekend for me. I've bit all my fingernails down to bloody stubs, and scratched the hell out of my legs. I just got off the phone with my dad and mom will be here tonight. He was saying she is probably going to be staying most of the time out there with Amy, but I'm guessing that wont be for long, so she will be here. I guess I'm back to my original plan. Find a little one bedroom apartment halfway to Kevin's so I can have Colleen more during the week. Well I have some cleaning that needs to be finished around here, my room in particular.
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Only a few more to go... [Dec. 23rd, 2012|11:35 am]
frAn*
Days, then finally the wretched holiday is over! Colleen has some nice stuff. I of course, probably wont get shit, and I had to use the Christmas money my parents wired me to live on for this week till I get paid. Then I will get paid, pay all my bills and be broke again. This sucks. I had a few other people I really wanted to buy a few things for, but because of my lack of funds that is going to have to wait. I'm sure they understand that financially I can't always do when I would like to. A gift anytime always brightens someones day so.... Real broke, after Tuesday I think I'm gonna have to stay the rest of the week at home cause I can't afford to drive out here everyday. Last night me and Kelly went up to the bar, and she wasn't drinking but I was and we sort of poured our hearts out to each other. She asked me a lot about a certain someone, I clarified the situation, and she totally apologized for the shit she had said in the past about it, and genuinely feels bad because now she knows the truth and how all those lies affected a persons life. I also spoke with her about how sometimes it just isn't there and you cant force a situation. Of course I was generalizing considering what she is going through, but I think she sort of knew I was speaking for myself a little as well. Times are confusing right now. I feel pulled in many different directions right now, and it isnt a pleasant feeling at all. So sad, everything I would have to give up, to be true to myself.
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(no subject) [Dec. 22nd, 2012|01:25 pm]
frAn*
"Lost In The Echo"


(yeah) (yo)
You were that foundation
Never gonna be another one, no.
I followed, so taken
So conditioned I could never let go
Then sorrow, then sickness
Then the shock when you flip it on me
So hollow, so vicious
So afraid I couldn't let myself see
That I could never be held
Back or up no, I'll hold myself
Check the rep, yep you know mine well
Forget the rest let them know my hell
There and back yet my soul ain't sell
Kept respect up,the best they fell,
Let the rest be the tale they tell
That I was there saying…

In these promises broken
Deep below
Each word gets lost in the echo
So one last lie I can see through
This time I finally let you
Go, go, go.

Test my will, test my heart
Let me tell you how the odds gonna stack up
Y'all go hard, I go smart
How's that working out for y'all in the back, huh?
I've seen that frustration
Been crossed and lost and told "No"
And I've come back unshaken
Let down and lived and let go
So you can let it be known
I don't hold back, I hold my own
I can't be mapped, I can't be cloned
I can't C-flat, it ain't my tone
I can't fall back, I came too far
Hold myself up and love my scars
Let the bells ring wherever they are
'Cause I was there saying...

In these promises broken
Deep below
Each word gets lost in the echo
So one last lie I can see through
This time I finally let you go!!!
Go, go, go.

No, you can tell 'em all now
I don't back up, I don't back down
I don't fold up, and I don't bow
I don't roll over, don't know how
I don't care where the enemies are
Can't be stopped, all I know; go hard
Won't forget how I got this far
For every time saying…

In these promises broken
Deep below
Each word gets lost in the echo
So one last lie I can see through
This time I finally let you
Go, go, go. (Go, go, go)
Go. go, go. (Go, go, go)
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electricity [Dec. 16th, 2012|11:44 pm]
frAn*
Seems like you never really knew me
Seems like you never understood me
Seems like you never really knew how to feel
But electricity it drew you near to me
What you needed was to be rid of me

There were times you really made me smile
And there were times you really made me cry
And there were times I never really knew how to feel
But electricity it drew you near to me
What you needed was to be rid of me
And the fear made you so unsure of me
What you needed was to be rid of me.

But electricity it drew you near to me
What you needed was to be rid of me
And the fear made you so unsure of me
What you needed was to be rid of me.



It's truly goodbye, I feel a bit heartbroken but know it's for the best. Sad, but relieved I guess. No more lies, no one else hurt. Be happy, smile, live. Please never forget, a piece of you lies with me always.
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(no subject) [Dec. 11th, 2012|07:48 pm]
frAn*
"Bet U Wish U Had Me Back"


It was you and me and one hot summer
Beading up with sweat all over each other soaking wet
We didn't have a lot of time so we didn't waste much
Finding all the right places you wanted me to touch
And all those memories make it so hard to forget about me

[CHORUS:]
I bet you wish you had me back
Another chance to get it just like that
The best you ever had
And do you close your eyes with her
And pretend I'm doing you again
Like only I can
I bet you wish you had me back

It was you and me it seemed to last forever
The way you taste I still remember the sounds we made
One day in June I stayed all night
And made love to you like the Fourth of July
And all those memories make it so hard to forget about me

[CHORUS]

I bet you wish you had me back
Every night
Every time
You see me when you close your eyes
I bet you wish you had me back
Another chance to get it just like that
Like only I can
I bet you wish you had me back
I bet you wish you had me back
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(no subject) [Dec. 8th, 2012|12:10 pm]
frAn*
Last night was my office Christmas party. We went bowling, then out to eat at Ernies. It was a lot of fun, I sucked at bowling horribly. I got pretty buzzed at the bowling alley, then had a few more at dinner so I was pretty toasty. Penny, the evil hygienist who I have to slave under, got me for secret santa, of course. She is so mean, she didn't even get me a cake for my birthday like we traditionally do. So you can only imagine what she was thinking when she drew my name for secret santa. I ended up getting a couple things of coffee and a coffee mug. I spent way more on Kate's gift, but in all fairness it was a $25 limit so.... Anyway. No real plan for today. Woke up and really missed my girl so headed out here as quickly as I could this morning. Her and I are just watching Disney Junior right now. Debating if I want to take her home because I dont have the cable or internet over there anymore so she might get bored. Hell, I will get bored. Kevin has to work, so if I want I can just hang out here, play xbox live and mess around on the computer. Plus, then I wont be so alone, Di is gonna be here and of course I will have Leeny. That's probably what I'll do. Well the cup Penny got me is a really good one at least, it keeps hot liquids hot for 6 hrs, and colds cold for 12. So I got me some coffee, my sweet baby and cartoons, this is good. Colleen starts school on Monday, its a damn shame I'm going to miss it. I miss a lot because of working so much, but I guess that's life. Maybe Kevin will get up with her for her first day and get her ready and get some pictures. I made my second temporary crown yesterday, I hope they hold up for the two people I made them for. I'll feel like an ass if they have to come back because it fell off or is hurting them. But hey, I have only done two so I'm not a pro yet. What else is going on? Of course the turmoil in my heart and soul that has been eating me up for the longest time. I find it's easier to just not think about anything too much, because I get to thinking and become so depressed. I hate the feeling of my life not being my own to do as I wish. No matter what, I still always have to depend on other people for shit and that means they have a power over me. I have to keep them happy and that irritates the fuck out of me. Will I ever be fully independent without someone strong arming me and making my decisions in life? If I were free of this, happiness. Even if everything I did was in secret, its better than not having the option to do so. I don't know anymore.
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(no subject) [Nov. 29th, 2012|06:00 pm]
frAn*
"Stereo Love"


When you gonna stop breaking my heart?
I don't wanna be another one,
Paying for the things I never done.
Don't let go, don't let go to my love.

Can I get to your soul?
Can you get to my thoughts?
Can you promise we won't let go?
All the things that I need.
All the things that you need.
You can make it feel so real.

'Cause you can't deny,
You've blown my mind.
When I touch your body,
I feel I'm losing control.
'Cause you can't deny,
You've blown my mind.
When I see you baby,
I just don't wanna let go.

When you gonna stop breaking my heart?
I don't wanna be another one,
Paying for the things I never done.
Don't let go, don't let go to my love.

I hate to see you cry,
Your smile is a beautiful lie.
I hate to see you cry,
My love is dying inside.

I hate to see you cry,
Your smile is a beautiful lie.
I hate to see you cry,
My love is dying inside.

I can fix all those lies.
Oh, babe, oh babe, I run, but I'm running to you.
You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside.
My heart is in pain but I'm smiling for you.

Oh baby, I'll try to make things right.
I need you more than air when I'm not with you.
Please don't ask me why, just kiss me this time.
My only dream, is about you and I.

Can I get to your soul?
Can you get to my thoughts?
Can you promise we won't let go?
All the things that I need.
All the things that you need.
You can make it feel so real.

'Cause you can't deny,
You've blown my mind.
When I touch your body,
I feel I'm losing control.
'Cause you can't deny,
You've blown my mind.
When I see you baby,
I just don't wanna let go.

When you gonna stop breaking my heart?
I don't wanna be another one,
Paying for the things I never done.
Don't let go, don't let go to my love.

I hate to see you cry,
Your smile is a beautiful lie.
I hate to see you cry,
My love is dying inside.

I can fix all those lies
Oh babe, oh babe, I run, but I'm running to you
You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside
My heart is in pain, but I'm smiling for you.

Oh, baby, I'll try to make things right
I need you more than air, when I'm not with you
Please, don't ask me why, just kiss me this time
My only dream is about you and I.
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