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frAn*

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An ongoing trend... [Feb. 21st, 2016|11:35 am]
frAn*
Concerning updating my journal. My last update was a year ago, and the one before that was a year prior to that. Haha. It only takes me a moment to glimpse back at my posts to realize that things change such a tremendous amount in span of a year....

I posted at the beginning of 2015, and since then I've been through some major life changes. Some good, some bad, some hopeful.... some devastatingly sad.

A lot of the time I like to post when things are still pretty fresh in my mind. That way if there is ever a question about something major, or maybe not so much, I'm able to look back and can usually figure it out.

May 2015... Things went sour in my relationship with Eric. We were both under a lot of pressure, money was constantly an issue. It became basically us being roommates, sort of sad at the end there. We are on pretty ok speaking terms now, which makes me feel a lot better because I know there is no bad blood there. Not gonna lie, it wasn't that way initially. I went and stayed at my sister Amy's house in Sandusky for a month or so. Had to enroll Colleen in school out there just to finish the school year. That was pretty shitty. I tried to keep things civil with Eric and promised the minute school let out I would leave, but it just got bad. Like I mentioned, things have been smoothed over since then. He admitted his faults, I never had an issue admitting mine. Sometimes even if you care about a person, doesn't always mean you are meant to be together or it's going to work... That's life.

So June then.... My mom drove up and got Colleen and I. We hauled my car and basically our clothes. Oh we brought Guinea also... Drove down here to Texas. That was an interesting trip. Going almost across the country with a 6 year old and a rodent, haha. Colleen was a trooper though. Even though we got delayed. One of the straps on the dolly hauling my car snapped. We got stuck at a rest stop for a whole day waiting for the mechanic from U-haul to come fix it. By the time he got there, it was dark. We drove into Missouri and got a room for the night. That was interesting in itself because I like to refer to the room we got as "the death room". The hotel was in a dodgy part of town, and the room had blood like, everywhere. The pillows, and even smeared on the outside of the door. When we left I let management know they really should check and make sure no one was murdered there. Good times. As we were leaving the next morning, the exit was quite steep so my car bottomed out, and my muffler (which was already rigged up with a hanger) was dragging. We pulled into a gas station, and luckily a nice older man had a nice strong rope and attached it back up. At least good enough so we could make it. At this point we are feeling pretty shitty about the trip. It took us a whole extra day, and we were ready to just get here. So we get into Texas and it's damn near midnight. I open the door and a wave of disgusting heat hits me. So I'm already sweating, then I get swarmed by mosquitos. I got bit 15 times withing a five minute span. Because Texas just came out of a drought, since the spring was really wet, all the dormant bugs came out. Lets just say I got bit a lot over the summer. My first night here was not so promising. I finally got settled in, and just cried. I'm going to attempt to put pictures of the trip down....

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So yeah, that was a life experience. When we got in and settled, my sister Stephanie came down, and also my dad managed to get a few days off the road. This was all around the beginning of July. So they were here to celebrate Colleen's birthday. My dad wanted me to use the rest of the summer as vacation. He told me to take a few weeks to just relax, spend time with Colleen, get used to Texas. That is exactly what I did too. It was nice. Swimming everyday. Meeting some new people. The sky is always beautiful here. It was a pretty amazing summer till August.

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So in August I get a text real late from my dad, asking if I was still awake. He then said he was in a really bad rollover accident. He was driving down a back road where there wasn't much light, and there was a black cow and her baby in the middle of the road. He hit them, causing his semi to loose control after hitting the soft shoulder. The truck rolled 2 or 3 times. He kicked out the windshield and somehow survived. He denied medical treatment. The EMT's checked him to make sure nothing was broken. He was pretty banged up and I'm positive in shock for a while. My mom drove the six hours down the following day, and brought him home. We were all overjoyed he survived, from the state of the truck it didn't seem possible anyone could. So he was home for a few days just trying to mend. The first night he just sort of took it easy. The next day he was feeling little better and because of how he is, insisted on taking Colleen up to the park. They spent the whole afternoon together. Feeding the ducks, she got to do a little skating. Following morning, my dad took apart his gun and cleaned that bad boy like crazy. I remember him getting frustrated because when he was trying to put it back together, there was spring loaded button type thing he needed held down so he could slide another piece in. Neither my mom nor I could help him and he got all pissed, haha. I needed an hdmi cable so he and I went to wal-mart. We talked about me getting on my feet down here. He kept saying how happy and relieved he was that Colleen and I were down here. He worried a lot about us. He kept saying how everything was going to change for us. I'm smart, beautiful, and ambitious. It was only a matter of time before I found a good job and was going to be able to take care of Colleen. I love how much faith he had in me. So we got what we needed from Wal-mart and came home. On the way up the stairs when we got here, he gasped and grabbed his chest. I asked him if he was ok, he said he had a pain. I begged him to please let me take him to the hospital. His body had been through a lot in the accident. I kept saying he might actually be hurt and just not know it. He said he was fine, people wonder where I get my stubbornness from! So we popped in the monster high dvd he got for colleen. I was filling out job applications, and they were watching the movie together. I asked him again if he was ok, he said he wasn't in pain, just felt funny. I mentioned how when mom had her heart attack she felt the same way, I once again asked if he would let us take him to the hospital but he said he was fine and just wanted to relax.

My mom got home and had some pain medication for him. He got up to take it, took about three steps, and collapsed. I didn't even realize it had happened til my mom started yelling. I jumped up and ran over. He was convulsing and there was blood coming from his nose and mouth. Neither of us was quite sure what to do so we rolled him on his side, she was talking to him and I got 911 on the phone. He was still moving but his eyes weren't focused so we don't know for sure if he could hear us. While I was giving directions, my mom started freaking out saying he stopped breathing. She grabbed the phone and Colleen, and ran out of the apartment. I rolled him onto his back, wiped the blood off his face. He was snoring, it was a faint wheezing breath. I hesitated for a moment because he was still breathing. His eyes were still unfocused and I was talking to him. I felt for his pulse but couldn't detect one. I tipped his head back and began compression's. When I gave him breath, his chest was rising so I knew it was getting into his lungs. I was hysterical but didn't stop, I kept begging him to please don't go and to just stay with me. I'm not sure how long I was doing CPR, could have been a few minutes, could have been ten, no way to know for sure. An emergency responder came and we pulled him to a better spot, and he began compressions. At this time he asked me to step out. I went downstairs in utter shock. I stood with my mom and cried. It took an endless amount of time for an actual ambulance to get there. They were all up there for a very long time, and every minute they weren't rushing him out of there my mom and I lost hope. We just knew that was it, he wasn't leaving the apartment. Being told he didn't make it was like pulling all the life out of my soul. I couldn't stop gagging and just had to walk away. This evening was the worst out of my entire existence. August 17, 2015. I have to type this all out, have to remember every detail of that day. The last time I had my dad in my life. Still, to this day it feels like it was just yesterday. And although I don't cry about this everyday anymore, it's at least every other. I miss him more than I though possible. The one person who had unwavering faith in me, loved me despite my flaws, wanted me happy and the best for me. I love and miss you so much dad. I know there is moments when you still check up, but they are coming less and less frequent because your resting easy now that you've seen things have panned out exactly how you said they would. Still can't comprehend that you could have survived that accident, just to come home and die a few days later from "natural causes". Should I be a little satisfied you were able to come home and see us before you left? If you hadn't got in the accident, would you still have died? These are questions I will never have answers to while I'm still here.

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Because my dad expected so much from me, said I was so much like him, I did everything I could to make sure I proved that. I stayed strong for my family. I didn't allow myself to fall apart even though I wanted to so badly. I continued looking for jobs and pushing on. I finally got one. As of now I am still only a kelly service temp, but have been working at Blue Cross Blue Shield since October. My mom moved out and I kept this apartment. Initially I was supposed to get a whole other one, but the complex decided they wanted to raise the rent because they painted. I can't really afford that, I am taking care of Colleen completely on my own with no help, financially or otherwise from her dad. So I stayed in this apartment. At first it was really hard because this is where the single most traumatizing events of my life took place... But now I don't see it that way. Everywhere I look and still here, is my dad's presence. So that's the way its been. Working, spending time with my girl, and just living life.

My dad really wanted me here. There was a reason for it. Maybe he knew something was going on with his health, and he didn't want my mom here by herself. He knew I was the strongest out of us girls, and would be able to take care of things should he not be able to. I'm trying my best everyday to not let him down. There was a moment, not too long ago, when everything was feeling hopeless for me. Although I got a good job, my own place, and Colleen is adjusting well, I just got homesick. I was contemplating just packing it up again, and returning back to Michigan. Life works in mysterious ways because no sooner did I start rolling this idea around in my head, that I found out I'm pregnant. The daddy (Will) was born and raised here. He is not the type of person who would just allow me to take off with his kid. Colleen's dad, yeah, because he only cares about himself and his addiction trumps any concern for her. But Will, he's not like that.

I'm about 9 weeks or so. He and I were never anything serious. When I told him we started seeing each other a lot more. He really seemed to be on board and everything was going well. Then the other night he came at me with something that really shocked me. I guess this has happened to him twice before. He has always wanted a child, never thought he could have one. Twice he's been told he was the father, only to find out after the baby was born he wasn't. He can't get excited or on board fully because he has that doubt in his head. I completely understand it, I really do. I would probably be the same way. It doesn't matter what I say because there is no real proof it's him, at least in his mind. The last few days have been rough. After he told me all this we haven't really had the chance to sit down and talk any further. I've been upset. I really do sympathize with him, but I think he has gone about this the wrong way. Being happy and on board when I first told him, to this. I asked him right when I told him I was pregnant, to tell me now if this was something he couldn't or didn't want to do. He was excited. We even spent hours discussing baby names and everything. Now this. I know its not personal against me, the doubt, its because this has already happened to him. But because of the way he did this, then pulled away, it's really hurt me. All the feelings that I was starting to have for him are starting to diminish. I texted him today once again letting him know I understood, but if there was any hope for us in the future, this is killing it. He said he wanted to come over and talk. I'm still waiting. He said he wants to be excited, and be a part of the pregnancy and an active dad, but cant because of just not knowing.

There is another option. I looked into prenatal DNA testing. It is non-evasive. Blood from me, a swab from him, and within a week results confirming he is the father. This is something I'm willing to do to ease his mind. He wants to do it. We are at a stand still until he knows he is in fact the dad. The test costs $1,600. Down payment of $795. We're going to do it. The only thing that upsets me about this is the fact that once that test comes back, he'll just come around again? Like none of the last few days have happened? My understanding of the situation only goes so far. This is going to put a strain on a future relationship and I just don't want that to happen.

We're going to do the test. In the meantime, I will do my best. Try not to stress or be unhappy. I've thought about having another child for the longest time, just was always scared because I'm already doing it on my own right now. I need support, help. I can't take care of another alone. I'm hoping once we get the test and he knows for sure he's the father, things are going to change. He'll be able to get excited and participate in this pregnancy. Guess I'll be updating after all that. Longest post ever, so much on my mind and constantly going on in my life.

BTW this is Will. He's a good guy, just scared.
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