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frAn*

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time flies... [Sep. 5th, 2014|09:57 am]
frAn*
I can't get over the fact my daughter is six and has started the first grade! I've had her the whole summer break, minus a day here and there when Kevin had her. This last time he had her, she was not taken care of properly at all, so that's the last time he has her for more than one or two nights. It's sad, because she used to be so important to him, and i could always rest easy knowing she was with her dad and taken care of. He's so far gone, like he's not even there anymore. I'm trying my best to just keep Colleen occupied and make excuses for him. I don't have the heart to tell her that her dad is too fucked up to look after her. The lack of concern for her makes me sick and so sad for her... She still asks about him once in a while, but like I mentioned, I do my best to just change the subject. I'm running out of excuses for why he's no longer really in her life. A least ones that don't make him look bad or break her little heart. No matter how much he and I disliked one another or didn't get along, I never said anything negative about him to her. That's not how I am. I'm starting to not care, she's too little to understand the real truth. Meanwhile, time keeps moving on and life continues. At least for those of us who are normal, productive adults. I finally got my car fixed, last month was rough and we're still struggling to pick up the pieces. First that freak storm, our ceiling in our kitchen caved in, Eric and i got in a huge fight and I left. Then my car broke down. So I'm sleeping on pregnant Katies couch, depressed and without a car in south warren. My mom sabotaged another great thing in my life, and this time I didn't allow it. It's like she came into town from Texas to stir up chaos and pain in my life. Alienate and estrange me from all those I was close to, then just say bye and leave. She's still in town, but not welcome here now. She's my mother, I'll always love her, but as far as us ever being close again, dont see that happening. How many times in my life has she purposely tried to destroy me? I don't get it, like she wants me to not be happy and to struggle... So, one thing at a time. I came home, got Colleen enrolled, got my car fixed, we caught up our rent and everything we were behind on... of course there is still a lot owed out but we can only do so much. I'm actively seeking a new job. Idk how the hell I'm gonna do it because Colleen has to be dropped off, and picked up from school everyday. No bus transportation cause she's within a mile of the school. So unless we have another car, or I can work around her school schedule, don't know what the hell I'm gonna do. I keep telling myself it's one day, and one thing at a time. Still an improvement from last month that's for sure. I spent most of those few weeks drunk and crying. Not knowing what the hell to do. So now I'm home, trying to keep my shit together for Colleen. We've been working really hard on sobriety. Only drank maybe once since then. I have to stay strong because I'm all my beautiful daughter has. There is an assisting job open, part time just down the street from here. You have to walk in to apply which is refreshing, more personal. Thinking about going and checking that out Tuesday. Just breath, focus, it's all going to come together.... well, that was a long ass update. I think I'm gonna go get a few more hours of sleep before the guy fixing our ceiling gets here at noon. He's been here almost everyday for three weeks now, I don't think he knows what the fuck he's doing. Getting a bit annoying that i have to be here to let him in everyday. Especially on days we got a lot of shit to do... take it easy lj!
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