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An ongoing trend... [Feb. 21st, 2016|11:35 am]
frAn*
Concerning updating my journal. My last update was a year ago, and the one before that was a year prior to that. Haha. It only takes me a moment to glimpse back at my posts to realize that things change such a tremendous amount in span of a year....

I posted at the beginning of 2015, and since then I've been through some major life changes. Some good, some bad, some hopeful.... some devastatingly sad.

A lot of the time I like to post when things are still pretty fresh in my mind. That way if there is ever a question about something major, or maybe not so much, I'm able to look back and can usually figure it out.

May 2015... Things went sour in my relationship with Eric. We were both under a lot of pressure, money was constantly an issue. It became basically us being roommates, sort of sad at the end there. We are on pretty ok speaking terms now, which makes me feel a lot better because I know there is no bad blood there. Not gonna lie, it wasn't that way initially. I went and stayed at my sister Amy's house in Sandusky for a month or so. Had to enroll Colleen in school out there just to finish the school year. That was pretty shitty. I tried to keep things civil with Eric and promised the minute school let out I would leave, but it just got bad. Like I mentioned, things have been smoothed over since then. He admitted his faults, I never had an issue admitting mine. Sometimes even if you care about a person, doesn't always mean you are meant to be together or it's going to work... That's life.

So June then.... My mom drove up and got Colleen and I. We hauled my car and basically our clothes. Oh we brought Guinea also... Drove down here to Texas. That was an interesting trip. Going almost across the country with a 6 year old and a rodent, haha. Colleen was a trooper though. Even though we got delayed. One of the straps on the dolly hauling my car snapped. We got stuck at a rest stop for a whole day waiting for the mechanic from U-haul to come fix it. By the time he got there, it was dark. We drove into Missouri and got a room for the night. That was interesting in itself because I like to refer to the room we got as "the death room". The hotel was in a dodgy part of town, and the room had blood like, everywhere. The pillows, and even smeared on the outside of the door. When we left I let management know they really should check and make sure no one was murdered there. Good times. As we were leaving the next morning, the exit was quite steep so my car bottomed out, and my muffler (which was already rigged up with a hanger) was dragging. We pulled into a gas station, and luckily a nice older man had a nice strong rope and attached it back up. At least good enough so we could make it. At this point we are feeling pretty shitty about the trip. It took us a whole extra day, and we were ready to just get here. So we get into Texas and it's damn near midnight. I open the door and a wave of disgusting heat hits me. So I'm already sweating, then I get swarmed by mosquitos. I got bit 15 times withing a five minute span. Because Texas just came out of a drought, since the spring was really wet, all the dormant bugs came out. Lets just say I got bit a lot over the summer. My first night here was not so promising. I finally got settled in, and just cried. I'm going to attempt to put pictures of the trip down....

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So yeah, that was a life experience. When we got in and settled, my sister Stephanie came down, and also my dad managed to get a few days off the road. This was all around the beginning of July. So they were here to celebrate Colleen's birthday. My dad wanted me to use the rest of the summer as vacation. He told me to take a few weeks to just relax, spend time with Colleen, get used to Texas. That is exactly what I did too. It was nice. Swimming everyday. Meeting some new people. The sky is always beautiful here. It was a pretty amazing summer till August.

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So in August I get a text real late from my dad, asking if I was still awake. He then said he was in a really bad rollover accident. He was driving down a back road where there wasn't much light, and there was a black cow and her baby in the middle of the road. He hit them, causing his semi to loose control after hitting the soft shoulder. The truck rolled 2 or 3 times. He kicked out the windshield and somehow survived. He denied medical treatment. The EMT's checked him to make sure nothing was broken. He was pretty banged up and I'm positive in shock for a while. My mom drove the six hours down the following day, and brought him home. We were all overjoyed he survived, from the state of the truck it didn't seem possible anyone could. So he was home for a few days just trying to mend. The first night he just sort of took it easy. The next day he was feeling little better and because of how he is, insisted on taking Colleen up to the park. They spent the whole afternoon together. Feeding the ducks, she got to do a little skating. Following morning, my dad took apart his gun and cleaned that bad boy like crazy. I remember him getting frustrated because when he was trying to put it back together, there was spring loaded button type thing he needed held down so he could slide another piece in. Neither my mom nor I could help him and he got all pissed, haha. I needed an hdmi cable so he and I went to wal-mart. We talked about me getting on my feet down here. He kept saying how happy and relieved he was that Colleen and I were down here. He worried a lot about us. He kept saying how everything was going to change for us. I'm smart, beautiful, and ambitious. It was only a matter of time before I found a good job and was going to be able to take care of Colleen. I love how much faith he had in me. So we got what we needed from Wal-mart and came home. On the way up the stairs when we got here, he gasped and grabbed his chest. I asked him if he was ok, he said he had a pain. I begged him to please let me take him to the hospital. His body had been through a lot in the accident. I kept saying he might actually be hurt and just not know it. He said he was fine, people wonder where I get my stubbornness from! So we popped in the monster high dvd he got for colleen. I was filling out job applications, and they were watching the movie together. I asked him again if he was ok, he said he wasn't in pain, just felt funny. I mentioned how when mom had her heart attack she felt the same way, I once again asked if he would let us take him to the hospital but he said he was fine and just wanted to relax.

My mom got home and had some pain medication for him. He got up to take it, took about three steps, and collapsed. I didn't even realize it had happened til my mom started yelling. I jumped up and ran over. He was convulsing and there was blood coming from his nose and mouth. Neither of us was quite sure what to do so we rolled him on his side, she was talking to him and I got 911 on the phone. He was still moving but his eyes weren't focused so we don't know for sure if he could hear us. While I was giving directions, my mom started freaking out saying he stopped breathing. She grabbed the phone and Colleen, and ran out of the apartment. I rolled him onto his back, wiped the blood off his face. He was snoring, it was a faint wheezing breath. I hesitated for a moment because he was still breathing. His eyes were still unfocused and I was talking to him. I felt for his pulse but couldn't detect one. I tipped his head back and began compression's. When I gave him breath, his chest was rising so I knew it was getting into his lungs. I was hysterical but didn't stop, I kept begging him to please don't go and to just stay with me. I'm not sure how long I was doing CPR, could have been a few minutes, could have been ten, no way to know for sure. An emergency responder came and we pulled him to a better spot, and he began compressions. At this time he asked me to step out. I went downstairs in utter shock. I stood with my mom and cried. It took an endless amount of time for an actual ambulance to get there. They were all up there for a very long time, and every minute they weren't rushing him out of there my mom and I lost hope. We just knew that was it, he wasn't leaving the apartment. Being told he didn't make it was like pulling all the life out of my soul. I couldn't stop gagging and just had to walk away. This evening was the worst out of my entire existence. August 17, 2015. I have to type this all out, have to remember every detail of that day. The last time I had my dad in my life. Still, to this day it feels like it was just yesterday. And although I don't cry about this everyday anymore, it's at least every other. I miss him more than I though possible. The one person who had unwavering faith in me, loved me despite my flaws, wanted me happy and the best for me. I love and miss you so much dad. I know there is moments when you still check up, but they are coming less and less frequent because your resting easy now that you've seen things have panned out exactly how you said they would. Still can't comprehend that you could have survived that accident, just to come home and die a few days later from "natural causes". Should I be a little satisfied you were able to come home and see us before you left? If you hadn't got in the accident, would you still have died? These are questions I will never have answers to while I'm still here.

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Because my dad expected so much from me, said I was so much like him, I did everything I could to make sure I proved that. I stayed strong for my family. I didn't allow myself to fall apart even though I wanted to so badly. I continued looking for jobs and pushing on. I finally got one. As of now I am still only a kelly service temp, but have been working at Blue Cross Blue Shield since October. My mom moved out and I kept this apartment. Initially I was supposed to get a whole other one, but the complex decided they wanted to raise the rent because they painted. I can't really afford that, I am taking care of Colleen completely on my own with no help, financially or otherwise from her dad. So I stayed in this apartment. At first it was really hard because this is where the single most traumatizing events of my life took place... But now I don't see it that way. Everywhere I look and still here, is my dad's presence. So that's the way its been. Working, spending time with my girl, and just living life.

My dad really wanted me here. There was a reason for it. Maybe he knew something was going on with his health, and he didn't want my mom here by herself. He knew I was the strongest out of us girls, and would be able to take care of things should he not be able to. I'm trying my best everyday to not let him down. There was a moment, not too long ago, when everything was feeling hopeless for me. Although I got a good job, my own place, and Colleen is adjusting well, I just got homesick. I was contemplating just packing it up again, and returning back to Michigan. Life works in mysterious ways because no sooner did I start rolling this idea around in my head, that I found out I'm pregnant. The daddy (Will) was born and raised here. He is not the type of person who would just allow me to take off with his kid. Colleen's dad, yeah, because he only cares about himself and his addiction trumps any concern for her. But Will, he's not like that.

I'm about 9 weeks or so. He and I were never anything serious. When I told him we started seeing each other a lot more. He really seemed to be on board and everything was going well. Then the other night he came at me with something that really shocked me. I guess this has happened to him twice before. He has always wanted a child, never thought he could have one. Twice he's been told he was the father, only to find out after the baby was born he wasn't. He can't get excited or on board fully because he has that doubt in his head. I completely understand it, I really do. I would probably be the same way. It doesn't matter what I say because there is no real proof it's him, at least in his mind. The last few days have been rough. After he told me all this we haven't really had the chance to sit down and talk any further. I've been upset. I really do sympathize with him, but I think he has gone about this the wrong way. Being happy and on board when I first told him, to this. I asked him right when I told him I was pregnant, to tell me now if this was something he couldn't or didn't want to do. He was excited. We even spent hours discussing baby names and everything. Now this. I know its not personal against me, the doubt, its because this has already happened to him. But because of the way he did this, then pulled away, it's really hurt me. All the feelings that I was starting to have for him are starting to diminish. I texted him today once again letting him know I understood, but if there was any hope for us in the future, this is killing it. He said he wanted to come over and talk. I'm still waiting. He said he wants to be excited, and be a part of the pregnancy and an active dad, but cant because of just not knowing.

There is another option. I looked into prenatal DNA testing. It is non-evasive. Blood from me, a swab from him, and within a week results confirming he is the father. This is something I'm willing to do to ease his mind. He wants to do it. We are at a stand still until he knows he is in fact the dad. The test costs $1,600. Down payment of $795. We're going to do it. The only thing that upsets me about this is the fact that once that test comes back, he'll just come around again? Like none of the last few days have happened? My understanding of the situation only goes so far. This is going to put a strain on a future relationship and I just don't want that to happen.

We're going to do the test. In the meantime, I will do my best. Try not to stress or be unhappy. I've thought about having another child for the longest time, just was always scared because I'm already doing it on my own right now. I need support, help. I can't take care of another alone. I'm hoping once we get the test and he knows for sure he's the father, things are going to change. He'll be able to get excited and participate in this pregnancy. Guess I'll be updating after all that. Longest post ever, so much on my mind and constantly going on in my life.

BTW this is Will. He's a good guy, just scared.
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having no friends sucks. [Jan. 13th, 2015|10:39 am]
frAn*
It's mornings like this, after I've gotten Colleen off to school,and I'm just drinking coffee I really wish I had someone to talk to. I did a bulk of my deep cleaning yesterday.... Dusted, vacuumed, steam mopped my floors. I even turned Nico's bed into a toddler bed. He's able to climb out of a crib so I figured it was a good idea to just convert it so it's safer. We've been taking him, a lot. Right now we're only supposed to have him one overnight every other weekend and for a few hours every Tuesday. Instead, we take him pretty much every weekend, the whole weekend. And also every Tuesday for an overnight. Still not any easier as far as communication wth Alex, she's so childish and obviously clueless. I knew it was only a matter of time before she would be practically begging us to take him because he's not a little newborn anymore, he's in that stage between baby and toddlerhood. She's always saying how bad he is for her, but we honestly never have a problem with him. He must like my cooking :) I'm not sure what I really updated about last... I'm working. I got a decent job at Nino Salvaggio's. Their deli is insanely busy but that's cool because it makes the time go faster. They made me full time a month after I began, which was cool cause there was some people that basically had to go beg upper management for a full time position. I've had issues with my manager not scheduling me according to my availability and it's caused some problems at home. She knows i have to drop and pick up Colleen everyday so when she schedules me to work at those times it throws everything off. Eric really wants me to go back down to part time because a lot of the time he's stuck here with both kids and no car. I can understand how that can become exhausting. We're finally ahead on our bills and have money saved so I feel me working as much as possible is only beneficial. The plan is to work a lot, keep saving. Put away my tax return, and once Colleen is out of school for the summer, move!!! We will also have our security deposit from this place so we'll be ahead. We're looking more up north or maybe towards Davison. Wherever we decide is where we.intend to stay for a while, we're both over this moving around bullshit and want somewhere stable. So for the most part things are hectic but been going ok. Time keeps clipping along at an alarming rate and it's already a new year. 2014 started out a bit rough so already this year is looking better. We got a good routine going with the kids, and finally money isn't the biggest issue. I'm hoping for a positive and great 2015!! Well now that I've typed out such a huge update I guess I'm out of Shit to ramble on about so I'll be going for now, take it easy world.
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time flies... [Sep. 5th, 2014|09:57 am]
frAn*
I can't get over the fact my daughter is six and has started the first grade! I've had her the whole summer break, minus a day here and there when Kevin had her. This last time he had her, she was not taken care of properly at all, so that's the last time he has her for more than one or two nights. It's sad, because she used to be so important to him, and i could always rest easy knowing she was with her dad and taken care of. He's so far gone, like he's not even there anymore. I'm trying my best to just keep Colleen occupied and make excuses for him. I don't have the heart to tell her that her dad is too fucked up to look after her. The lack of concern for her makes me sick and so sad for her... She still asks about him once in a while, but like I mentioned, I do my best to just change the subject. I'm running out of excuses for why he's no longer really in her life. A least ones that don't make him look bad or break her little heart. No matter how much he and I disliked one another or didn't get along, I never said anything negative about him to her. That's not how I am. I'm starting to not care, she's too little to understand the real truth. Meanwhile, time keeps moving on and life continues. At least for those of us who are normal, productive adults. I finally got my car fixed, last month was rough and we're still struggling to pick up the pieces. First that freak storm, our ceiling in our kitchen caved in, Eric and i got in a huge fight and I left. Then my car broke down. So I'm sleeping on pregnant Katies couch, depressed and without a car in south warren. My mom sabotaged another great thing in my life, and this time I didn't allow it. It's like she came into town from Texas to stir up chaos and pain in my life. Alienate and estrange me from all those I was close to, then just say bye and leave. She's still in town, but not welcome here now. She's my mother, I'll always love her, but as far as us ever being close again, dont see that happening. How many times in my life has she purposely tried to destroy me? I don't get it, like she wants me to not be happy and to struggle... So, one thing at a time. I came home, got Colleen enrolled, got my car fixed, we caught up our rent and everything we were behind on... of course there is still a lot owed out but we can only do so much. I'm actively seeking a new job. Idk how the hell I'm gonna do it because Colleen has to be dropped off, and picked up from school everyday. No bus transportation cause she's within a mile of the school. So unless we have another car, or I can work around her school schedule, don't know what the hell I'm gonna do. I keep telling myself it's one day, and one thing at a time. Still an improvement from last month that's for sure. I spent most of those few weeks drunk and crying. Not knowing what the hell to do. So now I'm home, trying to keep my shit together for Colleen. We've been working really hard on sobriety. Only drank maybe once since then. I have to stay strong because I'm all my beautiful daughter has. There is an assisting job open, part time just down the street from here. You have to walk in to apply which is refreshing, more personal. Thinking about going and checking that out Tuesday. Just breath, focus, it's all going to come together.... well, that was a long ass update. I think I'm gonna go get a few more hours of sleep before the guy fixing our ceiling gets here at noon. He's been here almost everyday for three weeks now, I don't think he knows what the fuck he's doing. Getting a bit annoying that i have to be here to let him in everyday. Especially on days we got a lot of shit to do... take it easy lj!
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So this is what will be.... [May. 25th, 2014|11:12 am]
frAn*
So finally we got things mostly resolved. What happened in court was this... Eric ended up getting joint legal custody. Which means, of course, any legal decision concerning the child is as much his say as hers. Religion, education, and medical care. This is already an issue of course, because the chick refuses to get the baby vaccinated, and Eric really wants him to have his shots. It's always a battle with this girl, and I stress girl because she is literally the most childish person I've ever known to exist. And if she hated Eric so much and thought he was going to be such a shitty father, why would she want his child? She didn't think he would even get to see the baby but she was completely wrong. What she wanted was child support, which I thought was funny, I know how that doesn't always even help from what I've been through myself. I lived out on my own, worked, and had Colleen a majority of the week and still onlreceived $39 a month in support. The only time you receive a lot for support it's when there is more than one child, and the father makes a lot of money, or doesn't see the kid much. There is a formula that is based on your income and time you spend with the child, that the state of Michigan goes by. So needless to day, she was upset cause she was hoping for a large paycheck every month, and for Eric to not be around. As of now, he's gets supervised visits for the next few months, only cause he never even got to see the baby before all this. They want the two of them to get to know each other, then he starts getting his real visitation. As of now, its only going to be weekends, rotating holidays, and I believe one night during the week also. Because she refuses to be an adult and try to communicate with Eric, they have to stick to a formal parenting plan. Kevin and I had reasonable, which means because we could communicate we were allowed to decide on our days together. That's how it should be, the courts get pissed when you make shit difficult and prefer the parents work these matters out between the two of them. I don't get it though, if you hate the other person, don't want them around, why would you have that persons kid? And on top of it, try to keep that person from the kid after? In our case, she was upset about how little she isreceiving in support, and immediately asked if Eric would sign of his rights so her boyfriend could adopt the baby. On grounds that her bf is "well off". Haha, that was a no for sure. You can't take someone through the system, get everything worked out, then just because you don't like the results try to change everything again. Shit isn't like that. So we're quite happy and relieved all that is finally over. Eric finally got to met Niko this past Thursday. I didn't go along for the first visit. I'm not even sure I'm going to go for the next one, its sort of up in the air. I stayed behind because she made such an issue out of everything, I wanted Eric to suck to the court arrangement unlike her, just to help his case if need be. After the visit though, he hasn't really got any shit from her, i think she was hoping it would go so well and then she could try to keep the baby from him again. But i guess it went great so she must have been disappointed. I'm happy for Eric. I was however a little upset when I found out we aren't going to be getting him for overnights for a little while yet. We got a nursery set up and I've been ready. Guess you can say I'm at that point in my life now. I always thought it was just an expression, but its true, my biological clock is ticking. Colleen is turning six soon, and on her way into first grade (holy shit). I'm 28, I have a few good years left then its really pushing it. Plus, everyone who was pregnant during the tine I was, already is on their second baby. I always thought is have another, then we find out Eric has a baby, so that kind of leaves our future concerning more children, up in the air? Not even really, I don't think Eric wants any more, now that we both have one. I get it, I really do, but its a bit disappointing, and also a little depressing because my body is telling me otherwise. Its a hard thing for me right now. Knowing that the person I intend to be with doesn't want anymore children, when i still want the experience and joy of pregnancy and another baby. That's why I was excited at first about Niko, I figured i could put all my love into that baby and that would satisfy my want of another. But he will be turning one in August, and already is staying on silos and almost walking. By the time he's going to be around he's not going to need to be babied like that. Its a lot for me right now, I'm emotional and just trying to take shit day by day. Figured I'd just go the other path then. Had a job interview a few days ago. It went rather well actually. It's for a full-time assisting position at a private practice right in downtown Mt. Clemens. They told me I'd be hearing from them either way within a week or so. If i get, and accept this job, there's no fooling around. I'd be the only assistant, there world be no one to fill in for me if i needed to be absent or was sick. So this is a rather large commitment, I hope I'm ready if I do on fact, get hired. We've been toying around with the idea of moving again,maybe to little smaller of a place, in a better location. The area we're in now isn't bad, i feel safe and all that. But Eric's dad and his gf are really pushing for us to move back around where we were, perhaps St..Clair shores. I know the schools will be better there, and intend to have Colleen for her next school year so I have to make sure she's going to a decent school. And maybe we can find somewhere smaller because at this rate I don't see us needing a whole separate bedroom for Niko since we aren't going to have him as much as I would have liked. I have a feeling though, that once he's used to Eric, Eric is going to want more time with him and we'll ends up back at court because she will more than likely refuse. It's all pretty crazy and a lot of changes are happening. I'm just excited for Colleen to finally be out of school for the summer, and back with me full time. Everything will work it's way out eventually, however things are meant to be.... Well, it's beautiful outside and I promised Colleen some solid park.time today so I should probably get ready for the day now. I'm ready after my pot.of coffee now lol. Take it easy everyone,.more posts to follow as anything new happens.


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oh shit..... [May. 13th, 2014|11:36 pm]
frAn*
So much stuff got accomplished today, that's a good feeling. Woke up and made some coffee, began cleaning the shit out of the house. I haven't really updated for quite some time, for my own personal records I'd like to note Eric and are are renting a house. I believe I was still living in my apartment in Marine City last time I posted anything. That was a super cute and extremely well located apartment, once again though I couldn't maintain in my own, I was struggling so bad. Being a single mom is hard, but also things are different now because I'm not actually on my own dealing with everything. In any case the house we're renting now is actually quite nice. I'm pretty happy with it overall, and there is a huge backyard but because of all the rain we are yet to see it not a swamp. Kinda shitty because we planned to get a pool and really want to have a bash for Colleen's birthday. Hopefully we'll be able to whip it into shape by then. Got my fish tank filled, all it needs is fish now lol. So finally everything is coming together. There's been a bit of stress, that will, I'm praying, will be resolved Friday. Long story short, after a dna test we now know Eric is the father of that Alex girl's baby. It was kind of a shock to find out he's the dad, because of the suspicious circumstances everything went down. We prepared for it though, which is another reason we went with a 3/4 bedroom house. His room is coming together nicely, and we got pretty much everything else we need, just no baby. Every since the results from the results confirmed he was the dad, the girl stopped communicating with him fully. Friday is the friend of the court meeting, we're really hoping all can be resolved and she will stop intentionally keeping the baby from Eric. we've done a tremendous amount of homework and research and I hope with everything we know Eric is feeling confident about what's going to happen. Point is, the court wants what is in the best interest of the child, which is having a relationship with both the parents. A father, upon establishing paternity, had equal rights to a child until the court says otherwise. They also frown down upon the patent who won't communicate or alienating the other parent. There is so much information on the internet, plus legal advice from family law lawyers, I'm shocked she doesn't realize any of this. The only excuse for keeping a child from the other parent, would be if the child was in danger of physical or emotional harm. And in that case, you have to have clear and convincing evidence that proves the child would be harmed. Really though, all you would have to do is google "keeping child from father" or something close to that and you would know, I'm surprised she never thought to. I've been here, back in the day when Kevin and I went through all our bullshit. I read up, and also had a consultation with a lawyer. I knew my rights, his rights, and made sure I didn't do anything foolish to hurt my odds. It's crazy because there's all these little laws involved in family law. In any case, the fact he and I communicated, there were no problems and it worked out well for everyone, and mostly Colleen. So after Friday a lot of stress will be alleviated, and we van finally move forward. I'm excited about the summer, finally get my ass out of the house hopefully lose a couple pounds of my winter coat lol. We haven't been drinking, I've had a lot of clarity. Not only mind, but soul. I still look back at the shitty choices I've made, people I've hurt and I've learned and changed. I don't want to be the person I was before, i want to be a good human. I didn't know, when I was being selfish and only caring about myself, who I was hurting, who's lives I affected. I'm sorry about what I was, how I was. I can only apologize, and strive to be better. I feel like I'm finally making the correct decisions in my life. I'm secure, happy, and finally holding my shit together. I was diagnosed.with ADHD, and since learning that see where my compulsive and careless attitude came from. I've decided not to take the Adderall or Ritalin I was prescribed. I don't want to depend on a pill everyday, I think I'm strong enough to continue forward in my life without that. Well, I've wrote a small novel here, just had a tad bit too much caffeine which of course isn't actually good for someone like me,, I had a lot on my mind. I've carried a lot of regret and remorse also, in my heart, that I hope someday I won't feel that way about. So goodnight lj, update on what happens in court on Friday.


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long and exhausting weekend... [Jun. 9th, 2013|10:16 pm]
frAn*
Colleen and i just finally made our way home, man I'm tired! We spent a majority of our day at the beach. We went with Kevin's new lady Beth and her twin boys Seth and Peyton. It was craziness! Three four year olds, can you say handful? But it was fun and i actually really like Beth so i see good things ahead. After that we dropped in to surprise Kevin at work and feed the kids, that was interesting... Friday i spent most of the night just cleaning and trying to get my room organized. Kelly ended up stopping by so her and i hung out for a little while and chatted. Then yesterday we kinda just vegged out around the house , then early evening we went to hang out at kellys for a while. That's when i met Beth, her and i had a few, and a couple shots of jager as well. Then Kevin got off work and they took off. The rest of the night was dreamt up... Haha. Literally, a fine, sparkling web teetering back and forth between reality and whatever else you choose to call it. Beyond drunk, intoxicated doesn't even describe it, just, ..... Tonight is like that as well, minus the alcohol lol. It's just me and my girl, what truly is important to me. she is so bright and only getting prettier, how anyone couldn't love or adore her is beyond me. That's where i am in my life right now. He and I are through, i can't even bring myself to say or type out his name right now. It's never easy breaking up, especially when there is still unresolved and unspoken feelings that will never get a chance to come to light. Oh well, i tried, harder than i have with anyone else. You can't force someone, can't make them want to change, or make them accept things in your life that you yourself can't change. Maybe it's for the best,. Be single for a while, regroup and get my life in order. I don't have the energy for anything or anyone else right now. Need to gather my strength. I'm sad, I'm hurt and alone, but i know I'm better off. When I'm ready again perhaps I'll find someone who appreciates me, wants me flaws and all. Most importantly, someone who accepts my beautiful Colleen. Well, that's gonna do it for tonight. Heres to the summer, being single, and picKing up the pieces and becoming stronger then ever.


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ramblings [May. 12th, 2013|02:23 pm]
frAn*
This window, wide open, with the wind blowing into and through. Everything inside of here, where? And if i don't belong to this where, how to find my here? I will never belong to either. It's raining, and the sun is shining brightly. And the wind.... Today feels peculiar. Floating around the universe, blind, deaf, and dumb. Frankie's self destruction in five...four...three... GO.



Never wait for the countdown to end.


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days like this... [May. 6th, 2013|12:34 am]
frAn*
Literally today ruined the awesome weekend I had. For one I had Friday off,that's always a bonus. The weather was super nice. Helped accomplish some building, I caulked :) Colleen was with me and met a new little friend at Erics. I watched the two of them when the guys worked. Last night we finally got an evening alone, no kids, no one hanging out but the two of us. Made a fire, I spotted an owl. Spent the night, being bats lol. Good times. Today Eric took me to lunch, upon leaving he noticed a leak under my car. Checked my fluids, my oil was completely dry, and the same for the Trans fluid. So we walked over to the Sears auto area and got some shit. I'm still leaking the Trans fluid and my car is making a strange noise. Pretty sure the noise is just from the fluid getting on one of my belts but can't be sure. So that ruined my day. I'm.completely fucked. I have roughly $100 to live on.for two weeks. I'm stressed about that, now my car, just lots of shitty all at once. Being out here on my own is difficult because i need to be making more money. I make enough to live, to have this.place, but nothing left over to even buy groceries. So even though financially I'm not the greatest, other aspects of my life make up for it. I spend half my time here, with Colleen. I love being able to have her at night, even though the stinker fell asleep real early on me tonight. She actually just woke up and asked me to come to bed. She's got a hell of a cough going, and I'm scared to dose her like i did the other night. I could only do it once she was sleeping, otherwise she runs. I got most of it in before she could realize and then she swung on me! She seriously tried to punch me and got real pissed! Haha, but she slept better without hacking all night. So it's always a pleasure, time with her. The other half of my time I'm at erics. I like the path our relationship has taken. I think we both understand it better now. If we weren't both so damn hard headed it might go smoother, but that's never going to change so gotta work around that. Haha, he's great though and more and more every day I'm allowing myself to not fear depending on him. I finally feel like I'm not all alone in this crazy life. I got someone to rely on :) it's nice not being in it alone any longer. Well, i wrote a short novel i was just bored this evening. Best get a little rest tomorrow comes early, yay.


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E [Apr. 29th, 2013|01:49 pm]
frAn*
TOUCH MYSELF -GENITORTURERS


I love myself, I want you to love me
When I feel down, I want you above me
I search myself, I want you to find me
Forget myself, I want you to remind me
I don't want anybody else
When I think about you, I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
I touch myself
You close your eyes and see me before you
Think you would die if I was to ignore you
A fool could see just how much you adore
me
Get down on your knees and do anything for
me
I don't want anybody else
When I think about you, I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
I'm the one who makes you come runnin
Gets you comin all the time
When I'm around, you're always beggin
I wanna make you mine
I love myself, I want you to love me
When I feel down, I want to above me
I search myself, I want you to find me
Forget myself, I want you to remind me
I don't want anybody else
When I think about you, I touch myself
I don't want anybody else
I touch myself.

Well then! Dedicated to my powerful warlock. Strong (both emotionally and physically), sexy (eyes that pierce into my soul, lips that make me weak), smart (listen to you talk all.day and never grow tired). Tell me darling, how can i keep you? How do i keep you?


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slow ass day... [Apr. 16th, 2013|02:52 pm]
frAn*
Work, totally lame today. We aren't making shit for money and so far.haven't pulled any craziness out of our asses. Shitty. yesterday was a strange day. Ended up leaving work way early cause i got a text from my mom saying she was at the hospital. Chest pain, an abnormal EKG that sort of thing. She stayed for the first two tests they ran, but refused the third for some crazy reason. So that ended up being a complete fiasco. They wouldn't let me and Stephanie in the back at the same time so she wanted to stay and i left. Went over to Erics. We smoked a bowl, went for a nice walk. When we got back to his place his buddy Matt stopped by. Then his other friend Ryan and his daughter Madison dropped by. In the middle of all that candy popped up out of nowhere! So we're all hanging out and his other friend Ryan showed up as well. It was kinda crazy. At least it was a nice day but cooled down quickly. Everyone disappeared and we went in, drank us a few more beers, talked and listened to music. It was nice. We do that all the time, yet i never get bored with it because we have so many sweet things to talk about. It's about to be a year from our first meeting, and i have a little mixed emotions about that. One I'm disappointed because we weren't together for what, four of those months? I wish it could be our one year anniversary without saying oh yeah except for that time.... But otherwise I'm happy, i mean, we got it together and i deeply care about and love him. I'm finally seeing what it is that's been missing. I'm not going anywhere, I've found it.


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